Some days you just want to say, "Enough is enough!"
This outburst normally occurs at a time when all the whys, whens, and how comes collide into a barrage of - I can't do this anymore!
Well no worries, you're not alone... there is hope. It's time to be Taking Out Your Emotional Trash and my friend Georgia can help!
Georgia Shaffer is a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania, certified life coach, speaker, and an award winning author of several books, here is a question and answer with Georgia on her book "Taking Out Your Emotional Trash"
This is my BOOK OF THE MONTH. I've had several friends say they are going through Georgia's book together as a life application study, I encourage you to do the same. Here is the second half of a conversation with Georgia about facing your feelings and building healthy relationships...
… continued from January 9th post
To have healthy relationships, you believe it’s extremely important to understand that different personalities handle loss differently. Tell us more.
When faced with an unwanted change, some personalities like to be around lots of people and talk about their experience. Others prefer to withdraw and privately sort things out. Still others will try to take control of the situation by working harder and seeking the most competent people to help. And then there are those who simply prefer to wait and let things work out on their own.
You need to understand that unless your friend, co-worker or spouse has the same personality as you do, they will handle loss differently. And when your emotions are raw, these differences between those you live and work with will be magnified.
For a free article on this topic (entitled Understanding Our Differences), go to www.GeorgiaShaffer.com and click “free resources.” In Chapter 5 you talk about destructive and constructive ways of handling anger. Most of us agree that physical and verbal aggressions are harmful but what are some other destructive ways? And how can we express our anger constructively?
Anger is an energy that needs to be channeled in the right direction. Destructive ways of expressing our anger include
- Making sarcastic or critical remarks
- Giving the silent treatment – not communicating for days or weeks
- Withholding something like our affection, time or attention
Whereas some constructive expressions of anger are
- Exercising
- Journaling
- Talking to a safe friend or counselor
- Righting a wrong
- Fighting a righteous battle
- Addressing the relational issue
You write that it’s important to understand forgiveness as both a choice and a process. What you mean by that?
First, forgiveness is a choice—not a feeling. But even when you make the decision to forgive, that’s only the beginning. The next step is to work through the feelings of hurt, anger, sadness or betrayal.
You might forgive someone on an intellectual level, but if you fail to do the emotional work then you won’t heal on a deeper level. Working through the process means you verbalize what happened to you and how you feel about. When you get stuck or want to nurse your grudges, remember what God has done for you and how you’re forgiven. You also want to remember it can take months, even years, to be free of the hurt because we can only handle the pain a little bit at a time.
What would you say to someone who is ready to face their bottled-up feelings—their “emotional trash”–but who is overwhelmed by the task?
Many of us get stuck at one point or another in our lives– that’s normal. Last summer I decided to clean my 2-car garage, which at the time barely had room for one car.
It didn’t take me long to realize that making the choice to clean my garage and actually doing it were two different things. I was overwhelmed by the size of the task. Two months later I still hadn’t done anything.
One friend told me to start in a corner and another friend suggested I do one box or one shelf at a time. But I was still paralyzed by the huge task. Finally, I decided the only way I was going to make any headway was to tackle the job one item at a time. Was I going to throw it out, give it away, or keep it? And if I decided to keep it, where would I store it?
The project took five months to complete. But the transformation was amazing. Now I have more space—enough for two cars—but I also have more energy, more joy, and even more money since I now know what I already have and where it is.
If you’re feeling stuck and overwhelmed, focus on one issue at a time. Ask yourself, “What is the next step for me? What is one thing I can do?” And don’t be afraid to seek the help of a friend or a Christian counselor because some times we can’t do it alone.
Most of us have emotional meltdowns once in a while. What can we do to minimize these meltdowns so we can protect our relationships?
Be honest with yourself and ask, “Why do I resist dealing with my trash?” Are you telling yourself you’re too busy to deal with it or that you have a right to be bitter with, say, your ex? Do you think if you ignore your unresolved anger it will disappear? The problem with not facing your feelings is it usually means at some point in the future you’ll find yourself spending a day—or more—unable to do anything but deal your hurt and pain.
Therefore, you want to create and maintain routines that will help you pay attention to how you are doing emotionally and spiritually. Ask yourself: “How am I doing in my relationships with others? Am I reacting or responding to what’s going on around me? Am I protecting myself from total depletion? Am I getting enough sleep, rest, and exercise?
There’s a free self-assessment at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com under “Free Resources.” Use this tool to check and see how you’re doing on taking out your emotional trash. Here’s the bottom line. Waste management today can take twenty plastic soda bottles and make a Polertec fleece out of them. But that’s nothing compared to what God can do with your emotional garbage. He’s the master of waste management. He can take your junk and make something beautiful out of it—but you have to be willing to give it to him. As I mentioned earlier we all have emotional trash . . . the question is what are you doing with yours? Are you holding onto it or are you getting rid of it so that you can be free to be who God created you to be?
Well, I pray this interview has been a blessing to you... visit Georgia's website for her FREE resources and more words of encouragement.
Hugs to you until next time... Linda
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